12 Types of Theater Girls

A follow-up to the Theater Guys article. You know these girls well– don’t even try to pretend you don’t  know OR aren’t one of them! 😉 XoXo

1. The Princess

Basically, this girl is royalty. The director, choreographer, music-man, the guy with the lazy-eye LOVE her. She gets every leading role, practically handed to her on a silver platter. Overrated? Usually, yes. Her inflamed ego is unpoppable; there will be days you want to lock her in a dungeon.

2. The Costume Junkie

It is a normal occurrence for her to  waltz  into rehearsals looking like Eliza Doolittle or that stripper from RENT– girl is versatile. Despite her theatrical (HA!) fashion risks, she does harbor a great sense of fashion. So, it is no surprise when she snags the best costume. *Snaps*

3. The Lana Del Rey

A wise man, I believe Shia LaBeouf, once said, “Sex sells.” In every production there is always that one girl who drips sex. I have seen it in elementary school’s showcases of Annie– “Simmer down, Pepper!” But you guys know, she will pout her lips, project this Marilyn-esque sultry whisper of her lines… “There’s *don’t forget those breaths* no room in… *Did she just moan?!* the inn.” Ironically, these girls are always the quietest off stage. Keep her away from the dads/uncles/grandfathers/guy with the “connections with Vogue/David Lynch.”

4. The Comedienne

OK. Let’s get controversial: women are funny. I don’t think I need to pull up my college dissertation about Women in Comedy to prove this CcCcrRrRAaAaAAAzzzZZzzzzZzZyYyYyY notion. Anyways, she is an absolute blast to hang out with during rehearsal, outside of the theatre, even on stage. Her timing is spotless and she is not afraid to take risks to tickle the audience’s funny innards.  Here’s a tip, befriend the funny gal– you may learn a thing or a zillion about comedy.

5. T&A  

Don’t get Tits and Ass girl confused with your Lana Del Rey. T&A lady never stops performing, flaunting her assets. She considers her stage to be the rehearsals (she loves those dance rehearsals, where she can strip down to a curve-hugging tank top and stretch (like a motherfucker). She is adored by the googly-eyed onlookers (freshmen), and detested by the less-confident girls. Sometimes they are not desperate for this attention; however, when she purposely changes in front of the swinging door or in front of the guys *sigh*… “No Class.”

6. Barbra Streisand

The theatre, darlings, is her life. Ever since she was a little girl, she wanted to be a dancer on Broadway– this is my best Chorus Line impression. At every audition she belts out the quintessential (vomit-inducing), hallmark tune of musical theatre *drum roll* “Don’t Rain on My Parade.” When she doesn’t get the lead role she cries, very loudly, in the bathroom and vlogs about it on her YouTube channel. She is talented, but lacks authenticity as she has created a mini career imitating Barbra Streisand in all of her parts. Put Babs back in your spank bank, and learn a new song. I hear Wicked has a good one.

7. The Queen

Obviously. I mean, what would a theatre (or any club!) be without a few Wills and a Grace? She may not be as close with the other girls, but she is in good company. Sometimes she will feel closed-off from dating guys (who, well, likes women), but then she remembers she is the envy of every millennial biddie who “just wants a gay best friend.” But, seriously, guys don’t be afraid to woo the fag hag!

8. The Thespian

Everything she puts into her part is palpable through every performance. She takes herself, the show, and acting tremendously serious because she wants to be a working actress one day. She is fearless yet vulnerable, kind yet dark, lovable but unattainable. You will one day brag to everyone that you saw ****** ***** ‘s boobs in her youth, or you once smelled her fart. You better start accumulating facts and stories about this girl for a WordPress/National Enquirer because she will be famous.

9. Look! Look At All of the Friends I Made!

She has to take pictures every time she gets together with her cCrRraAazZzYy theatre friends. Throw some Rise filters on that selfie, and BAM– new profile picture. She needs to document every rehearsal and every cast outing because she has to present her #friendship to her 400 followers. It is fair to say that the majority of the female, young adults are guilty of the Insta-Bragging, but I lost count of how many #tbts I have seen of the same cast party every Thursday. Take some pictures of your fucking quinoa salad, please!

10. The Possessive One

Type-A girl with her eyes on every prize. She thinks she has clout over newer girls because she is a self-proclaimed “theater vet.” Sometimes, she is just plain mean, and not in the funny-classy way. If she likes a guy, don’t even think of him; if she is going out for that part, you better not even consider it. She is not warm to change or sharing friends, makeup, hairspray, friends, and just forget about bobby pins. This was her castle before a swarm of girls invaded. She can be difficult to work with, but it is not impossible to warm up to her. Stay out of her way and you might have a developing friendship– or enemy if you are into that.

11. The Cutie

Guys will make it their mission to spoil her innocence, while girls will surely introduce her to the world of theater romp. Usually a freshman, who will slowly start wearing more and more makeup to rehearsals. Theater is the place where she will learn everything that sex-ed won’t teach her. People, be cool to the “cutie”, don’t make it your goal to defile this poor girl. I mean, isn’t that how prostitution was invented?

12. Just Doing Her

She loves to act, sing, and dance in front a a couple hundreds of people. But she cannot be bothered with backstage drama, flings with the lighting crew, or sucking up to the directors for that solo. She is funny, cool, and adored by everyone. She may not stand out from the other girls because she is not pushing her boobs up to her chin or screaming expletives in the bathroom in a puddle of tears; but, dammit, she is rad.

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