The 5 Ways to Survive The Super Bowl

1. Sit next to someone who understands your situation or someone you loathe entirely

When watching the Super Bowl it’s important that you sit in the right place. Generally I like to sit next to the person who is just as lost as I am so that we can be together in our confusion and giggle over how overly serious everyone is being about the game. If this person isn’t available then sit next to a person you completely hate. That way you won’t feel the urge to talk at all during the game.

2. Always be next to the snacks.

Whenever I’m worried about saying something stupid or offensive I eat so that my mouth is too preoccupied to spew bullshit. The same goes for the Super Bowl! If you don’t get what the fuck is going on or you’re bored to tears, make sure you have a snack to munch upon. Not only will it make you happy because food fills a void that nothing else could ever fill, but it will make it more difficult for you to physically talk.

3. Don’t Ask Questions

When watching the Super Bowl it’s best to blend in. While it’s okay to ask a few questions, make sure to avoid asking questions that make it obvious to those around you that you have no idea what’s happening. For example, it’s probably not such a good idea to ask whether or not a touchdown is a good thing.

4. Take frequent bathroom breaks.

Bathroom breaks can be a godsend when you’re forced to sit through something you hate. If you find yourself overwhelmed by the testosterone in the room, head over to the bathroom for a good mental breakdown. You can do whatever you want once you get there- take a poop, stare at your reflection in the mirror, cry in the shower etc. The stress relief will make the remainder of the game more bearable.

5. Participate in the parts you understand!

Gays and girls, there is one point during the Super Bowl when your opinion matters: the halftime show! Use this time to vent your frustrations and express your pent up energy by arguing with your friends over whether or not Bruno Mars is doing a good job. I personally can’t wait to complain about how Bruno sucks in comparison to Beyonce and how “Grenade” is a terrible song. And if any of the musically challenged, straight men at the party try to express an opinion make sure to say, “YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT”

2 comments

  1. Okay, so I’m just putting it out there – I’m not a fan of sports, but I will say your version of football (grid iron) is like some kind of bubble-wrapped version if what we play here in Australia – AFL. They wear basically, a singlet and some tiny shorts. No helmets. No padding. They just slam into each other to try and get the ball. It also explains why so many of the AFL players are so ridiculously hot, and have amazing bodies, and are completely incapable of stringing a sentence together.
    Meanwhile, as for the halftime show, let’s face it, anybody who isn’t a straight man, cares ONLY for the halftime show. Last year was Beyoncé. Year before, Madonna. You can’t follow up acts like that with some tool like Bruno Mars. The whole point is to make people watch, not roll their eyes and talk about how shitty and forgettable his performance was!!

    Like

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