There are two things I fear most in life: pooping in public restrooms and getting kidnapped and tortured to death. And while one of those fears is almost entirely irrational, the other one is much to my dismay an unavoidable part of life. It’s like the late Hannah Montana once said, “Nobody’s perfect”. Everybody poops. And yet, despite this common knowledge that everyone does in fact defecate, there are some of us (me) who are still horrified at the thought of doing the deed in a public place. But I’m slowly getting over my phobia and no longer shitting my pants in the gift shops of Rainforest Cafes. But I digress- Here are 10 signs that pooping in public is the bane of your existence:
1.) You scope out the bathroom before you do the deed to ensure there’s no one in the bathroom to witness you enter the stall.
2.) You attempt to sync your pooping with your flush habits, so no one actually hears any gross plopping or unintentional farting.
3.) Your heart skips a beat if someone goes in the stall next to you to poop. Bitch, give me my space.
4.) If you are in a single or handicap bathroom you turn on the sink while you poop so people can’t decipher what it is exactly that you are doing in the bathroom.
5.) You find yourself unable to breathe or speak when someone attempts to open your bathroom stall door and recoil at the thought of having to disclose to someone else that you are in fact pooping.
6.) You go out of your way to use the nearest private restroom- even if that means driving home from your friend’s house and using your own.
7.) You lie about why you were gone so long when pooping and attempt to blame your deed on a phone call or running into a friend.
8.) You have stayed in the stall for an extra half hour waiting for the bathroom to be empty so that no one sees you leave.
9. You’ve held in your poop for an ungodly length of time and know what it’s like to be constipated for 6 hours straight.
10. You get excited at having your apartment or house to yourself for the afternoon because it means you can take a gross, loud, smelly shit without anyone but you knowing.