10 Things We All Do When We’re Home Alone

1.  Sing incredibly loud and off key in the shower (because there’s no better time to sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart” than when you’re lathering soap on your naked body)

2.   Pass gas like it’s your job (because nothing’s more satisfying than letting it rip in the privacy of your own home)

3.   Talk to yourself (because sometimes the only way to understand and cope with your insane thoughts is to articulate them out loud. Or if you’re me you spend your time alone fantasizing that you’re a celebrity being interviewed by Chelsea Handler about your upcoming film project…. Too specific?)

4.   Lounge about in your underwear (because jeans are too restricting and clothes are the patriarchy’s way of keeping us from celebrating the beauty that is our bodies)

 

5.   MASTURBATE (because if you’re a teenage boy you can’t spend more than 6 hours by yourself without having masturbated at least three times)

6.   Touch and eat things that don’t belong to you (because if I’m home alone I’m going to want to try out your entire beauty regime, see if I fit into your clothes and eat all of your snack products)

7.   On a similar note: eat an obscene amount of things… (because when you’re home alone you can eat pasta, cookies, ice cream, chips and chocolate without anyone knowing how much of a gluttonous bitch you are)

8.   Become extremely active on social media (because  we can’t be left alone for more than 10 minutes without getting cabin fever)

9.   Catch up on all of your guilty pleasure TV shows that you can never watch at home for fear of judgment (because if I want to watch “Days of Our Lives”, “Kathy Lee and Hoda”  or “Jerry Springer”  I should be able to)

10.  Blog….. okay maybe that’s just me.

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