1. Try to convince everyone around you that you’re not actually drunk
Because there’s no better way to convince people that you’re sober than by shouting/slurring “I’m not even buzzed” every two minutes.
2. Lose all pickiness when it comes to alcohol consumption
When I’m sober I hate the taste of most types of alcohol but when I’m drunk I’m willing to take shots of anything and everything.. including (but not limited) to every fruit flavor of Rubinoff, Tequila and cold medicine (kidding!)
3. Nonchalantly disclose your childhood trauma to people you barely know
I’m not sure why but every time I’m drunk I randomly start conversations with people about all of my emotional hangups and negative life experiences. But like there’s no place better than a party to tell a stranger that you think you have difficulty trusting people because of feelings of neglect you had as a child, right?
4. Get someone’s phone number
I have so many numbers in my phone from people I barely know or have only met once in my entire life. I guess when you’re drunk you really like to make friends but hey on the bright side at least “drunk you” is trying to network.
5. Tell someone you love them
It doesn’t even have to be someone you know well. It could be your friend, your neighbor or even the guy walking down the street.
6. Feel the need to vomit at least once or twice
When I’m drunk I usually don’t feel sick, but occasionally every hour or so I get a slight scare that I may vomit everywhere. Usually that feeling only lasts a few seconds and subsides once I eat my fifth slice of pizza.
7. Make off-color comments about strangers
I don’t have a filter when sober so it makes sense that I wouldn’t have once when intoxicated. Drunk people love to comment on things and people without realizing what they’re saying is incredibly rude or uncalled for, like the time I exclaimed that some random girl looked really fat in her dress… which is incredibly rude. But it was true, so that makes it okay right?
8. Give up on literacy
I can always measure how drunk I am by how illiterate my texts are. For example, if all of my texts look like “Hi I lo7e y sflkh much” it’s safe to say that I’m hammered. Or worse, you’ll spend the night drunk texting your ex or crush and embarrass yourself beyond belief.
9. Trip or fall over something
It doesn’t matter what it is- it can be stairs, a dishwasher, or even something invisible- but it’s a known fact that drunk people are incapable of not eating shit at least once in a night.
10. Give up on any attempts to prepare yourself for the hangover that’s about to ruin the rest of your weekend
Every time before you drink you remind yourself how important it is that you make sure to drink a lot of water before bed so you don’t end up hungover. But when you’re actually drunk that’s the last thing you want to do. In fact, you usually end your night in the following way: rip off your pants, toss everything on the floor, fall into your bed and sleep for 12-15 hours.