The Basic Bitch’s Guide To Chain Restaurants

1. Olive Garden

“When you’re here, you’re family.” No, when you’re here it’s because you were forced to go to a graduation dinner or god forbid a post Baptism lunch. The Olive Garden is like the equivalent of Chinese food in America in the sense that it’s not actually italian food. It’s just carbs on carbs and if I’m going to eat three days of calories in one sitting I’m going to go somewhere far away from OG.  I mean kudos Olive Garden for giving people unlimited soup and breadsticks, but still GTFO.

2. Cheesecake Factory

Whenever I go to the Cheesecake Factory I like to ask my waiter what the design concept behind the restaurant is, a question he or she can almost never answer. That’s because the Cheesecake Factory looks like it was inspired by a shit ton of things that are in no way cohesive- the eye of Sauron, a roman bathhouse, the third circle of Hell, a generic Las Vegas Hotel, etc-  If you’re a person who doesn’t care about calories or the fact that every meal at Cheesecake Factory has enough sodium to kill a small horse then this is the place to you! Just know that if you eat a pasta dish and then a piece of Cheesecake you’ve more than likely consumed 7,000 calories in one sitting and cut two years off your life expectancy. But on a more positive note, their bread is delicious!

 

3. The Ninety Nine

You know when a restaurant’s claim to fame is Potato Skins that you’re at a blue collar kind of place. The Ninety Nine is incredibly bland and generic but apparently poor people like that type of stuff so it’s still in business. When a restaurant actually advertises that their rice is Rice Pilaf and that their Mac and Cheese is Kraft you know something is up.

 

4. Applebee’s

Applebee’s falls under the same category as the Ninety Nine. In fact, I’m pretty sure most chain restaurants are kept in business by lower middle class people who think life is best spent eating Buffalo wings and drinking beer off a highway exit.  Applebee’s is so run of the mill- it sells Panini’s, burgers and overpriced pasta. And like  most lower middle class restaurants the staff is usually pretty fugly, but like they say- it’s all good in the hood.

 

5. Bertucci’s

Bertucci’s is actually kind of good if you get the right thing on the menu. Sure, it’s a chain restaurant so it’s inherently questionable but their kid’s raviolis are dope as fuck. And I like the rolls as well. Bertucci’s is a little bit more expensive for a chain restaurant  though so you could probably just go spend a few dollars more at a legitimate Italian restaurant instead.

6. Chili’s

Chili’s really peaked in 2001 with their NSYNC commerical. I’ve only eaten at a Chili’s once so I can’t say I have the right to fully assess how ratchet it is, but I can say that burger I ordered tasted like a literal foot.

7. Denny’s

I really don’t understand people who eat at Denny’s for a reason other than it’s all they can afford or because they think it’s somehow ironic.  Sure, their breakfast food isn’t TERRIBLE but it also isn’t great. The only appeal to this place is that it’s cheap but like I bet Tim Allen was pissed when they told him he’d have to eat at one for The Santa Clause.

8. Outback Steakhouse

Because nothing says Australian outback like a bunch of Americans butchering an Aussie accent while serving steaks as hard as hockey pucks.  Am I the only one who finds the whole thing distasteful as well as tacky? Maybe I’m entirely biased, however, because I’m not an avid red meat eater. It also doesn’t help that most people I know who eat there are fat, balding Republicans with irregular bowel movements.


 9. Legal Seafoods

I’ve never eaten at a Legal Seafoods but I think seafood is questionable in general. Also aren’t they going out of business? P.S.- can someone get me one of them cheddar bay biscuits? I heard they taste like happiness!


 10. Uno

The only reason I eat at Uno is because they take Northeastern Husky Dollars which means I’m not actually paying for it myself. With that out of the way, Uno is both overpriced and underwhelming. Everything you get there is something you could have made yourself for half the price. ALSO WARNING- do NOT order their cookie sundae, you may think it’s delicious but nothing is worth 2700 CALORIES!

11. Rainforest Café

If you like animatronic animals that haven’t been updated since 2001, fog and shitting your pants from food poisoning then Rainforest Cafe is the place for you!

12. California Pizza Kitchen

The California Pizza Kitchen isn’t that bad. It’s expensive and kind of an unnecessary establishment considering the fact that pizza is super easy to make and Digiorno’s exists but hey- if you want to spend $14 on a pizza that will only slightly curb your appetite then go for it!

13. TGI Friday’s

People only eat here on Fridays, right? Please for the love of God tell me that no one eats here any other day of the week.

 

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