The Definitive Rankings of Disney Villains

15. Captain Hook

You know, Captain Hook isn’t really a bad guy if you think about it. I mean sure he tries to drown children but like doesn’t he sort of have a right to do that? I’d be hella pissed too if some little twinky homosexual chopped off my arm. Captain Hook isn’t evil, he just suffers from extreme PTSD and sporadic crocodile attacks.

14. Queen of Hearts

Just like Hook, the Queen of Hearts isn’t evil- she’s just post menopausal and looking for a snack. The Queen of Hearts is all talk and no action- I mean has anyone actually SEEN her behead a bitch?  No, so just let her continue to play croquet and dry up all of her eggs.

13. Gaston

There’s no denying that Gaston is a complete and total dick. He’s misogynistic, dimwitted and I’m pretty sure his penis is nothing to write home about. At the same time though at least he tries! And he really only gets murderous when he comes up against the Beast. But you know what, it’s kind of understandable- if the girl I loved was getting it on with a fucking talking Kodiak bear I’d try to kill that thing too.


12. Governor Ratcliffe

Governor Ratcliffe is a racist, greedy, overcompensating political figure and I can’t help but feel that it’s hypocritical to judge him when about half our politicians in office embody these same qualities.

11. Jafar

You know,  Jafar may be a sociopathic, distrustful asshole but at least he’s ambitious! Being a closeted homosexual in pre modern era Middle East must be incredibly difficult! And not only does he sissy that walk and work that goatee but he’s a fucking magician who secured himself quite a good position in life. And you have to feel slightly bad for him- I’d be a raging bitch too if I had to spend all day with Gilbert Gottfried.

 

10. Yzma

Yzma has an undeniable charm which makes it impossible not to root for her despite her less than noble goals. She’s old, she’s ugly but she embraces it and makes it work for her. She’s elaborate, she’s theatrical and she knows how to make something a good time. And she makes a cute cat too!

 

 9Hades

Hades was dealt a shitty lot in life so it makes sense that he’d act out and try to better his situation. Sure he tried to kill a baby, but who hasn’t? Hades is extremely inventive when it comes to his diabolical plots and he knows how to talk his way out of anything. He’s impossible not to like which I guess means he’s not all too evil.

 

8. Shan Yu

It’s not personal, it’s political with Shan Yu. He may have slaughtered an entire village but dammit he’s a good warrior- how many other people can say they survived an avalanche? He may not speak much and be terrifying to look at but he’s not the most evil person on this list- and let’s not forget how bad ass his death was.

 

7. Ursula

Ursula knows what she wants and she’s willing to do whatever it takes to get it. Sure she’s deceptive but she gives her clients the opportunity to pull through on their deal without suffering the consequences. I mean bitch just wants to take over the ocean and that’s fine with me- as long as there are jellyfish in it I have no interest in going out far from the shore. And besides, big girls need love too!

 

6. Claude Frollo

Claude Frollo is a really terrible human being. He emotionally tortures the sweet Quasimodo solely because he’s fugly and he tries to burn Esmeralda at the stake just because she won’t go down on him. Claude, you just need to get laid and chill the fuck out! But really he’s like the worst type of religious person you could ever meet and the fact that he does all of this in the name of God makes him that much worse.

 

5. Evil Queen

She tried to kill her stepdaughter simply because she was worried about being the 2nd prettiest girl at the party which I guess makes her a pretty evil person. I think she’d be a more sympathetic character if she said the reason she wanted to kill Snow was because of her insufferable singing voice. But at least she was committed to her act- she really did pull off the decrepit old lady/ Strega Nona look.

 

4. Chernabog

No one really knows what Chernabog is doing in Fantasia. It seems like he’s just chillin and telling his minions to run around and rape goats/eat children which is cool with me. Chernabog doesn’t really need to do anything evil to be evil- he’s a fucking demon for pete’s sake!

 

3. Scar

Scar is a huge fucking dick! Sure Mufasa could be a bit patronizing but the whole “I’m going to kill you in front of your son and then make him think it’s his fault you’re dead” thing is really messed up. And what did he even do it for? Congratulations Scar,  your brother is dead and you inherited a fucking rock and the eternal loyalty of a hyena voiced by Whoopi Goldberg.

 

2. Maleficent

Maleficent cursed a girl to death and summoned all of the powers of hell solely because she didn’t get an Evite to a lame ass christening. But while she’s slightly irrational- she’s still bad ass. I mean she turned into a fucking dragon after all! She’s icy, she’s cold hearted and she’s the fucking HBIC.

 

1. Horned King

The Horned King is fucking terrifying. First off, he’s in no way humorous and he doesn’t sing any of the songs in the film. Nope all he does is try to resurrect an army of the dead to destroy the world while looking like the antelope from hell! FUCKING TERRIFYING!

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