8 Reasons Why A Cappella Groups Shouldn’t Exist

1.  They bring shame to the dance community

The choreographed dance routines of a cappella groups looks like a mash up of the most basic combination taught in a senior citizen dance class and someone being brutally tasered. If you’re going to dance then you need to commit to it because there’s nothing more uncomfortable than watching 15 physically awkward boys step touching off beat.  There’s nothing wrong with standing in place and just singing. Sometimes less is more  ladies.

2.  Performers use “feeling the music” as an excuse to improvise dance moves that are so uncomfortable that they make you question whether or not humans should be procreating.

Sometimes it’s good to take a risk and do something off the cuff. Dancing isn’t one of those things though- especially if you are incapable of dancing to the simplest choreography. I mean I get that you’re trying to emote and feel the song or whatever but your movements are actually detracting from the rest of your performance. Instead of being impressed by your vocals, I’m more worried about the fact that you’re dancing like you might be having a seizure. So please don’t finger wag or “roll the dice” or whatever up dance move you think you’re doing. Just because you’re a singer doesn’t mean you’re a performer- so just stand still, sing well and accept that you aren’t and will never be Beyonce.

3. Performers make uncomfortable faces as they make unnatural sounds that no human should ever be capable of making.

In a capella you have to use human voices to make the soundscape that is usually only provided by instruments. I understand that. But that doesn’t make watching or listening to it any easier.Watching some guy contort his face to make really low, demonic sounds is pretty traumatizing. In some sense, I’m impressed that you can make that sound- but at the same time  I’m deeply uncomfortable because the only way you’re capable of making such a sound is by making a “I’m taking a huge dump right now” face. Also it doesn’t help that chanting in general sounds demonic and that it makes up 90% of all a cappella music.

4. Hideous coordinated outfits

If you’re wearing the same outfit as someone beyond the age of 8 years old or for non ironic purposes then you need to stop. Matching outfits are almost always tacky and chances are if you have 15 people in your a cappella group and you need to find them matching outfits the only place you’ll have any success at is Target or Marshall’s. And I get it- you need to keep things affordable because not everyone in your group comes from money- but for the love of God please don’t come out in matching Sketchers and expect me to be okay with that.

5. All of the performers teeter the line between good looking and horribly misfortunate so you don’t know how you’re supposed to feel sexually.

I’ll be honest, a lot of people that do a cappella are mediocre in the looks department. NOT ALL OF THEM- just 50%. For some reason almost everyone has front bangs which is almost never okay- especially if you’re a 20 year old boy. And everyone is either really plain looking that you don’t notice them or so unfortunate that you can’t help but stare at them. A capella can be sexy- it’s just that unfortunately it usually isn’t.

 

6. There’s at least 5 a cappella groups at each college and you can’t tell whether or not the group you’re seeing is good until the show starts.

The only thing that multiplies faster than rabbits is a cappella groups. There’s so many of them! And not all of them are equal in terms of quality- there’s always one group that is incredible, two that are pretty good, one that is meh and then one that is so horrible that you wish the performers in it were electrocuted by their sound equipment.  And what’s worse- having to act like you’re impressed when your friend tells you they got into the shittiest a cappella group on campus or having to make up an excuse to not go to their show because their group is painful to listen to.

 

7. They’re the ultimate destroyers of nostalgia.

A cappella groups love to perform throwbacks because they are crowd favorites and in theory that’s a good thing…that is until they butcher “Hit Me Baby One More Time” so horribly that you can’t ever listen to the song again without having some PTSD.  Someone should hit you one more time for ruining that song.

8. The pitch pipe.

Fuck the pitch pipe! Does it even work? Don’t trick us and make me think that any of you are capable of singing on pitch even with that little shitty device.

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