10 Musicals That Need To Stop

1.) Grease

 


Most movie adaptations of musicals end up only being half as good as their source material. Grease is a rare exception, however, because the film is infinitely better than the godawful musical. There’s definitely a reason “All Choked Up” was cut out of later revivals. Grease is just plain awful for so many reasons, the first being that the 1950s is a miserable decade in American history. I mean sure there were jukeboxes and poodle skirts and what have you but there was also still segregation, homophobia and pansy ass bitches. The musical is too cluttered with side characters who are completely irrelevant to the plot and musical numbers that sound like the songs you’d flip through on a jukebox. And the message of the story is pretty awful as well- “if you like someone, change for them.” So in conclusion, FUCK GREASE!

 

2.) Peter Pan

The only reason Peter Pan was created was so that douchey directors could have an excuse to use a rigging/harness system. Literally, that’s the only reason this show exists.  The score is like the low budget version of “Sound of Music” and there’s a song in the show entitled “Ugg-A-Wugg” which is just not okay. Also, I’m not an anti-feminist but I literally hate the fact that Peter Pan is played by a woman. Peter Pan was the first twink in literature and I’ll be damned if you ruin that potential eye candy by putting a woman with a fupa in tights and calling that a musical.

 

3.) Annie

Annie is an enjoyable musical…. the first time you see it. But if you’re an American with any musical theater background you’ve most likely had to sit through that clusterfuck at least 2-5 times. I get that children are cute and precocious and what have you but they’re also SO ANNOYING! Annie is like a “Kid’s Bop” album on crack and bitches think they’re cute saying made up words like “Bo Brummely”. But at least the musical version will be better than the shit they’re about to release starring Cameron Diaz and Jamie Foxx.

 

4.) Les Miserables

I firmly believe that before high schools are allowed to put on shows that are 17 hours long that the licensors double check to make sure the school isn’t fucking awful. Because if you’re going to make someone sit through a piece of shit, at least make it mercifully short. Between the illogical plot and the soundtrack full of songs that all sound just like variations of one single song, Les Miserables is the worst. It’s just a bad show. It’s overrated and the only people who like it are the little bitches who used to sing “Castle on a Cloud” or “On My Own” at community theater auditions.

 

5.) Bye Bye Birdie

 


Oh joy, yet another musical set in the 50s! Bye Bye Birdie is a by the books musical that is inoffensive enough that any middle rung high school can perform it. The only notable song from it is “Put On A Happy Face” which is the mantra I tell myself whenever I’m forced to interact with basic bitches that I hate it. It’s a bland musical with forgettable characters.

 

6.) Gypsy

Gypsy isn’t necessarily the worst musical on the planet. In fact it can be quite good if the actress who plays Rose is capable of the emotional depth the character needs. But if a high school is doing this production it’s safe to say that it’ll blow chunks. The show is super long and the musical numbers are very vaudevillian which can be a bit off putting. But really the main issue is that it’s like 4 hours long and can be extremely melodramatic. Gypsy can be incredible if you put a Meryl Streep caliber actress in the main role- but if you put a Katie Holmes type in the lead it’s pretty much the worst thing on Earth.

 

7.) Godspell

I don’t hate Jesus- I just hate musicals starring him. Religious musicals are so goddamn campy and  when you see Godspell Jr. it just feels like a glorified sunday school presentation. If you’re going to make a show about Jesus at least make it somewhat angsty. I mean he was crucified!

 

8.) Fiddler on the Roof

I can’t fully judge “Fiddler on the Roof” because I’ve never seen it in its entirety. But that’s because I’ve fallen asleep every time I’ve tried to watch it. All you really need to know is that it could be a good show but it’s been performed by almost every single community theater in existence so it’s usually awful. Also, yes the song “Rich Girl” by Gwen Stefani is an homage to a song from this show.  God someone needs to kill that Harajuku wannabe bitch.

9.) Rent

Rent is a lot like Frozen. It was good when it first came out but then people wouldn’t shut the fuck up about it so now you can’t help but think it’s overhyped and overrated. Also, this show came out in the 90s when people thought AIDS was shocking and edgy which just isn’t the case now. I mean AIDS is still obviously a terrible thing but I don’t know if someone could successfully make a musical about it now. Parts of Rent are really good and then other parts of it are incredibly stupid. This show also needs more drag queens and less gyrating. I cant’ say that a ton of high schools perform this show because of it’s mature themes but I’m sure too many community theaters do it.

 

10.) Little Shop of Horrors

Maybe I hate Little Shop of Horrors because I hate Rick Moranis. Maybe I hate Little Shop of Horrors because it hits a little too close to home with the whole carnivorous plant thing. Either way- this musical sucks. It just sucks. And I don’t feel like arguing about why it sucks except to say that all of the characters are stupid and it’s campy but not in a way I find entertaining. And I’m glad everyone gets eaten in the end. Byeee.

 

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