If I could take any job in the world I would take Patti Stanger’s from Bravo’s show The Millionaire Matchmatcher. She basically gets paid to scream at rich (typically ugly) people then get them laid (but not before commitment). I don’t know what you major in to get said career but I assume it’s Communications cause none of those bitches (me) know what they are doing. Patti, my Guru in life, has some kind of shady rules for getting a relationship on lockdown.



1. TRUE(ish):No Sex before Monogamy:

This rule hardly ever applies in college. Many girls hear urban legends of one night stands turning into relationships or find themselves victim of the 12 AM booty call. I’m all for women doing what they want and would never slut shame but at the end of the day it matters what your end goal is. Having at least some sort of emotional foundation or maybe just even knowing each other’s last name has always resulted in more sound relationships in my experience. But if you are just going for the D, get it girl.


2. TRUE: Two Drink Maximum:

College girls rarely see first dates outside the dining hall or late night “movie watching”. There is also no chance if you meet a guy in a Fraternity basement you are sticking to two drinks. More likely you will get white girl wasted and DFMO. However, as you reach the end of college you might find a man who wants to be civilized and take you out to PF Changs or a place with alcoholic beverages. It can be easy to go overboard to suppress nerves but it is never good to get sloppy. It’s a little hard to control your words and your overall actions when your four margaritas deep. Stay classy ladies and never try to match him drink for drink. You will end up under a table.. or dead.

3. FALSE: Let the man pay:

Patti seems to think that even if you want to be a lady the man must pay. According to her, women can do other nice things for the man but the check should always be left up to him. As great as it is when a guy offers to pay for me it is absolutely not a dealbreaker if he doesn’t always pay. Power roles are stupid and dating can be expensive. Going dutch or even sometimes paying for his beer now and then doesn’t takes away from his manliness.

4. FALSE(ish): “Men fall in love through their eyes, and women fall in love through their ears.”

I also heard this on Oprah so I have a tough time saying it was false but I also have a tough time saying that a woman can fall in love with someone she doesn’t have the initial attraction to. Then again, I’ve also see fugly men out with women who are hot (or at least butter faces) a lot as well. I guess I always assume the guy has money. Don’t know if this means I have proved or disproved this theory. I guess money makes noises that women could fall in love through their ears?

5. TRUE: Stay engaging:

This is such a vague tip and kind of pointless if men don’t give a shit what we are talking about anyway. However, Patti believes that you should stay on neutral topics (no discussing how you are a radical libertarian on the first date) and train to keep it light with some witty banter. Topics like interests and hobbies (which I have none of) are okay. Also apparently a man should actually talk three times more than you on the first date. Typically, I find myself way more witty and entertaining than the average guy so not sure I can do this but I do think banter is important in keeping a relationship fun. Also if I guy doesn’t find my knowledge of boybands and 90s teen movies humorous or at least a bit enduring then really what’s the point?