1.) Constantly check out how many calories the person on the elliptical next to you has burned to gauge whether or not you are doing this “exercise thingie” right.

2.) Check out every guy and girl in the room to find out who is objectively the most attractive… and you know maybe fantasize about them mounting you… 

3. ) After finishing using a machine, putting the weight amount on a higher level so that  the next person who uses it thinks you can lift more than you actually can.

4.) Listen to really girly 90s songs while on the treadmill or elliptical (because “Waiting for tonight” by JLo really gets me going)

5.) Discreetly check out your abs or arms in the mirror to see if 10 minutes of lifting has given you that six pack yet.

6.) Judge the fat people exercising because you’re an asshole.

7.) Pray that no one has picked up on or noticed your terrible case of swamp ass.

8.) Calculate  how long you have to stay at the gym to make it seem like you did actual exercising.

9.) Hope that the big muscle guys in the gym are too distracted by their own glistening bodies to realize you have no idea how to use any of the machines.


10.) Sneak out when no one else is looking so you can go home and eat ice cream.