Definitive Ranking of Orange Is The New Black Characters

Due to the sheer volume of characters present on OISTNB, I will only be ranking those incarcerated at Litchfield (and not even all of them because there’s like 200)

 

 

21. Janae Watson

Janae is basically Harry Potter circa “Order of the Phoenix”. She’s moody, full of angst and despite a somewhat sad backstory incapable of caring about. Keep the bitch in SHU.

20. Dayanara “Daya” Diaz

From her terrible dye job to the “I may or may not have just farted” face that she makes 90% of the time, Daya is a horrible character. She’s completely uninteresting and given far too much screen time. If only they had given her subplot to more interesting characters (like Flaca and Maritza for example)

19. Big Boo

With a show about a women’s prison, it was obvious that there’d be a butch character in the bunch. Big Boo is capable of sometimes being fun to watch, but there’s something a bit too sexually violent and aggressive about her. But maybe I hate her because I’m terrified of the concept of prison wives. And the whole peanut butter thing with the dog- not a fan.

18. Brook Soso

To an extent I feel bad for Brook, as it’s clear that she was supposed to be a deliberately annoying character. And I found it extremely hypocritical for Piper to be so mean to her when Piper was just as annoying 3 episodes earlier, but I digress. She’s annoying as fuck and despite having perky tits she’s not worth the trouble.

17. Yvonne “Vee” Parker

“Vee” made for a really great antagonist this season. She was sociopathic and cruel- basically a black lady Mussolini. She was dynamic and terrifying but she was also an evil bitch so she can’t be too high on the list.

16. Cindy “Black Cindy” Hayes

There are times when I love Cindy and times when I want to hit her in the face with trout. She’s an incredibly funny character but she’s a self-interested bully which makes me like her less. Although if I was a TSA worker, I’d totally steal Asian bitches iPads and pat down physically attractive black men.

15. Aleida Diaz

For some reason I really enjoy Aleida, even though she’s tough as nails and not really friendly to anyone. Maybe I just like her because she’s kind of pretty. I’m not sure; I’m a very superficial person.

14. Tiffany “Pennsatucky” Doggett

I HATED, HATED, HATED Pennsatucky when I watched season 1. That’s mostly because I hate preachy Jesus talk, but also because I don’t like meth teeth. This season though she was much more subdued and I actually couldn’t help but like her a little bit. Without her meth teeth, she kind of looks like a cute puppy dog (well more just like a dog, but still!).

13. Flaca & Maritza

In a show with so many supporting characters, it can be hard to stick out. Flaca and Maritza manage to do so. They’re a little bit trashy (in a Wet Seal way) and they may be superficial/bitchy, but at least they’re entertaining. And it’s nice to have some younger, more immature people in prison to liven up the party.

12. Sister Jane Ingalls

I think having a Sister on the show adds an interesting dynamic to Litchfield and I appreciate that she’s not just a vehicle to spout Christianity or include theological themes. She’s a relatable character who manages to make interesting decisions despite her lack of screen time.

11. Yoga Jones

Yoga Jones is another character who isn’t really featured on the show all that much. But she did voice Patty Mayonnaise so that gets her bonus points! Yoga is a breath of fresh air on the show with her soft voice and relaxed nature. It’s nice to have someone chill as fuck in Litchfield.

10. Piper Chapman

It’s easy to hate Piper because she can be self-obsessed and incapable of expressing the most basic of human emotions. At the same time though, she is the main character on the show so we know the most about her backstory and who she is as a person. I appreciate that we have one character that we truly know and can relate to on the most superficial level. So while I may occasionally loathe her, I appreciate her inclusion on the show.

9. Gloria Mendoza

Gloria is a boss ass bitch and holds her own as one of three Queen Bees (Vee, Red, Gloria). While we know a bit about her backstory, there’s definitely a lot about Gloria that we don’t know which makes her surprising. She’s level headed, anti-bullshit and knows some great one-liners. I wouldn’t fuck with her.  

8Suzanne “Crazy Eyes” Warren

Without going into details, I can say that Crazy Eyes had a difficult season. It’s hard not to feel bad for her given how badly she wants to fit in and how regularly dismissed she is by the other inmates. I’m glad she’s more than just the crazy eyed lesbian we first met in season 1. She’s grown into her own and become a character we can’t help caring about.

7. Sophia Burset

Sophia is beautiful, sassy and confident in whom she is as a person.  And while I LOVE Laverne Cox, I have to admit that Sophia is a supporting character at best. She’s hardly ever featured which is a shame because she lights up the screen when she walks on. Here’s to hoping she gets more to do in season 3.

6. Tasha “Taystee” Jefferson

From the moment Taystee talked about getting barbecue on her titties, I was in love. She’s such a fun character and she’s been one of my favorites since the show started. Taystee has a tendency, however, to be extremely thoughtless and self-centered, which I don’t enjoy as much. I am glad though that they developed her character so much this season and her relationships with Vee and Poussey were the driving force of this entire season.

5. Nicky Nichols

Natasha Lyonne is an incredibly fun actress who brings her signature charm to every role she plays. Nicky is reckless, quick witted, sincere and captivating- even with the little screen time she gets. She’s thoughtful when it counts and she’s been a better friend to most of these characters than anyone else. She feels like a sister you need to watch out for and you can’t help but love her (even with her dirty ass hair).

4. Lorna Morello

I love Morello immensely! She’s incredibly sweet, perky and loveable- which makes her backstory all the more tragic and upsetting. But despite her supposed craziness, I can’t help but root for her. She has so much to offer as a person and despite the occasional racist attitude, she’s very motherly. Also, her lip game is always on point!

3. Galina ‘Red’ Reznikov

Red is the ultimate HBIC. She’s extremely resourceful, calculating and intimidating. But at the same time- she’s fiercely loyal and protective of her friends, which is incredibly admirable. I like that we got to see her fall at the end of last season because it gave us the chance to learn the sweet side of her this season. Also, her backstory is so tragic- JOGGING BITCHES BE BITCHES!

 

2. Poussey Washington

If I could pick any person to be friends with in Litchfield, I’d choose Poussey. She’s hilarious, supportive and incredibly passionate. She’s a genuinely good person who looks out for her friends and sticks up for what she believes to be right and wrong. She’s also the only character I’ve never really rolled my eyes, so that counts for something!

1. Chang

CHANG. GIVES. ME.LIFE. THAT IS ALL!        

8 comments

  1. I’m so glad I’m not alone. I hate Daya so much, every episode I hope she has an accident and dies. Why would anyone stay in a ‘relationship’ with a whinger like her. Can’t stand her.

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  2. I for one Love Daya and her relationship with the office. Thats just me tho. I loved watching to see what was going to happen next with them.

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  3. What about Alex! Or Stella? Why has everyone forgotten about those two! They’re both really pretty and I love their characters, that’s just me though

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