18 Things I Did Because of Alcohol

Puked on myself while asleep and woke up covered in vomit

What better way to start the day than waking up with puke on your pillow and body?

Puked on my jorts, my roommate’s trench coat, and into a box my roommate found a day later.

This would have been funnier if I didn’t have to pay my roommate $30 to get his stuff dry cleaned.

Puked on the curb outside of a coffee shop

I never got to have that bacon egg and cheese.

Puked on a speaker at a dance club

In my defense…. the music was bad?

Aggressively asked a girl for her phone number

Not entirely sure if it was because I wanted her to be my friend or girlfriend.

Made out with 5 men in one night

No comment.

Yelled a string of profanities at my friend

They may or may not have been racist…

Bought 5 orders of mozzarella sticks

I say “bought” because I have no recollection of eating them.

Fell over a dishwasher

How did that get there?

Fell down the stairs of a double decker bus

I was in London so at least that was classy.

Cried hysterically because my friends laughed at me after I tripped

UR A MEAN GIRL, CADY. UR A BITCH!

Made out with a girl

The Devil made me do it! And by devil I mean woman.

Cried while walking home from the club because I was so drunk

It was the gay trail of tears…trail of queers!

Threw up all over a couch

At least it wasn’t mine.

Told every intimate detail of my life to someone I’ve just met

I’m an open book.

Peed all over my bathroom floor

I cleaned it up after, don’t worry.

Tried to get people to play my favorite drunk “game”- going around a circle and saying one thing we like about a person and one thing we dislike

Drunk me only has mean things to say.

Watched “Love Actually”- and if you’re wondering, I have absolutely NO idea what happened in it.

Emma Thompson deserves better.

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