1. My Skiing Incident

When I was 13 or so my family went on a ski trip. Now, I had participated on my ski team in middle school but I was not a good skier by any stretch of the imagination. In fact, I could barely “pizza.” So of course during one of my runs I made the wrong turn and ended up going down a triple black diamond that was covered in moguls. I tried to make it down the hill but quickly realized there was no way in hell I was going to do that. I ended up having to be brought down in a toboggan by a mountain ranger. I was so embarrassed that I actually pretended to be unconscious as we went down. I figured people would be less prone to make fun of me if they thought I had died.

  1. My Unfortunate Rainforest Café experience

I’ve gotten violent food poisoning from the Rainforest Café on two occasions and on both occasions I ended up shitting myself in public. Don’t blame the restaurant though; it’s my fault I ordered the ribs (both times). One time I shit myself in the gift store. My aunt had to bring me to the closest JC Penney and buy me new underwear while my brother and I hid out in the bathroom waiting for her. It turns out there was no kid’s underwear in my size so my aunt boughtme adult whitey-tighties and gave me a rubber band to tighten them around my waist. And when I asked her what to do with my shit filled undies she told me to leave them in the toilet and together we ran out of that JC Penney as fast as we could.


  1. My Shitty Walk Home

One time (another tragic middle school story) I realized I wasn’t feeling too hot in the middle of a group hangout session at the park. I said goodbye to my friends and ran home as fast as I could so I could make it to the toilet before having another Rainforest café incident. Unfortunately I didn’t make it. I shit myself halfway home. That’s right; I had to walk home with shit dripping down my leg. I’ll never forget the awkward eye contact I made with the dog walker as she witnessed me trudge home covered in my own feces.

  1. My Awkward Car Ride

Another time in middle school I was invited to go to the movies with a group of guys, which of course was a huge deal because I literally have zero luck when it comes to making straight, male friends. I knew before going that I wasn’t feeling 100%. In fact, I had thrown up about thirty minutes before my friends had come to pick me up. But I was guaranteed to go to this movie and make friends, regardless of vomit. On the way to the movies I realized I had to throw up again, but I was determined to make it to the theatre, puke, and watch the movie regardless. That didn’t happen. I ended up puking all over myself in the back of the car. The worst part of the story though? My friends all went to the movie and I had to get a ride back home in nothing but my underwear from one of their moms.

  1. My Bad First Impression

In high school I was invited to a party by a girl I didn’t know all too well. Out of the fifteen or so people going, I actually only knew two of them well. But I went anyways because I love making friends and impressing people with how funny I am. As we were preparing dinner, I realized I didn’t feel too good. I blame the twice baked potatoes. I holed myself in the bathroom to poop and realized much to my horror, that the bathroom had no ventilation fan. I tried to open the window but it failed to budge. I spent twenty minutes taking the nastiest poop imaginable, while knowing full well that EVERYONE at the party could hear me. After finishing I did everything I could to mask the smell, I even sprayed shampoo into the toilet hoping that would cover it up. It didn’t.  I then exited the bathroom, made some excuse about having to pick up my little sister and got the FUCK out of that place so that I wouldn’t have to watch anyone walk into the warzone I had made.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I can never be a full blown narcissist or overconfident douchebag. I’ve shit myself far too many times for that to be possible.