NIDOQUEEF: A Pokemon Erotica

It wasn’t until I leveled up to 50 that I experienced my first orgasm. Before then I had lived my life as a sexually oppressed Moon Stone maiden, a glorified Cloyster in a sea of Tentacool. Now it is is important to note that embracing your sexuality is not a thing easily done in a world as patriarchal as the Pokémon one. As a Nidorina, I was mocked for my pointy exterior and Wartortle like face. The Raticates in my neighborhood even called me an “uber dyke”. I was no Ninetales and the boys and girls were keen to remind me of that.

One day I stumbled upon a moonstone and evolved into the Nidoqueen that I am today. I thought things would finally be better, that I would be valued for my full breasts and curves. But that wasn’t the case. I was revered until the moment I released a bodily function while out in public. Now no one sees me as Nidoqueen, a fully realized and sexually independent Pokemon, they see me as Nidoqueef, a creature to live in the shadows of shame.

I felt so ashamed that I gave up on myself and my sexual desires. I married a terrible Nidoking, who despite the horn on his head was no expert at drilling. Our marriage was loveless and sexless, but I can’t say it was entirely his fault. He tried to touch me, but I couldn’t bring myself to submit to him. I recoiled at his very touch. I had to think of a Skitty using “attract” just to get through intercourse.

We both started looking outside of the marriage for sexual satisfaction. He paid hooker Lickitungs for BJs and I visited Hitmonchans and Hitmonlees to see if they could use their fighting abilities to help me achieve orgasm. They failed. It was frustrating. Even with Hitmonchan fisting me and Hitmonlee digging his leg deep into my nether regions, I felt no satisfaction; sex without intimacy was useless to me.

But then one day I saw her- Kangaskhan. It was a balmy day and I walked by her mid Pokemon battle. I had never seen a creature as beautiful as her. She could sucker punch like a motherfucker, despite the infant in her pouch, and she moved her body in ways I never thought possible. From the moment I saw her destroy that Butterfree I knew I wanted to be with her. But this was uncharted territory. Lesbianism is frowned upon in our society, despite homosexuality and cross-dressing running rampant. In a world where they can reclassify a Pokémon as an entirely new type after a decade, you’d think the Pokémon world would accept diversity. But then again this is a world where black face transvestites are allowed.

I joined her female fight club as an excuse to talk to her. It was a small group, just the two of us, a genderqueer Eevee and a Venonat. But I wasn’t complaining, the smaller the group the easier it would be for me to talk to her. It wasn’t until the fifth club meeting that she spoke to me. “ You need to extend your left arm further,” she whispered into me ear. She touched me with her claw and extended my arm for me. My heart dropped and my ovaries inflamed. I had never been so aroused in my entire life. For the first time in a long time I felt alive. Her touch invigorated me and gave me the fire needed to KO the shit out of Venonat.

After we were bruised and bloodied we hit the showers. And by showers I mean we stood under a Lapras as it used “surf.” I couldn’t help but watch her lather her leathery skin. She had this way of making everything seems so erotic, even with a joey in her pouch. She is a mesmerizing Safari Zone queen. “Do you always bring your kid?” I ask her. She turns and smiles. “No, I just left my Mega Stone at home” she says with a wink.

She and I stay in the showers long after Venonat and Queervee leave. “I’ve noticed you been staring at me” she purrs. My body tenses a bit. I’ve been caught! She waddles over to me and takes me by the claw. “It’s okay. I’ve been checking you out too.” She rests the metal plate on her head against my breast and I breathe heavily. It’s at this moment that I realize how crazy this all is. We’re two different Pokémon types from extremely different lines. I’m a third evolution; she’s a single one. I’m meant to be with a Nidoking and she’s meant to be a spiteful lesbian mother living on her own. None of this makes sense.
“Try not to think so much” she says. My heart is racing and my body tingles with the anticipated pleasure. She draws nearer to me, with the fire of one thousand Arcanines in her eyes.

And with that she performs “Earthquake”, a move that makes my entire body quiver with sexual excitement. The floor cracks and I fall onto it, like a sexual rag-doll. “I’ll make you feel like a woman in ways your limp horned Nidoking could only dream of doing”she growls. She throws herself upon me and we start banging in the way Pokémon bang (which I’m sure you can find pictures of on some bizarre corner of the Internet.) It’s hot, sweaty, and better than any mega punch I’ve ever taken to my Poke-gina. By the end of it she has me screaming my name at the top of my lungs. It’s so loud, I’m sure even the Slowpokes down the street could hear it. The sexual stimulation is so overwhelming that I don’t even care that her baby has been watching all of this.

We orgasm and light post coitus cigarettes. I nestle into her chest and exhale. I’ve never felt so alive. “That was incredible” I sigh. She nods. “I’m glad you enjoyed it” she replies. We watch the Surskit dance across the lake for a few minutes in complete silence. I close my eyes and breathe gently, on the verge of falling asleep. But I don’t because I know when I wake she’ll be gone and this will have only been a dream.

The joey in her pouch begins to cry and she stands up. “Where are you going?” I ask. She looks down at me softly, almost condescendingly. “Don’t make this more than what it is,” she mutters. I feel my face flush. I’m embarrassed but I can’t be mad at her. We barely know each other; I can’t expect this to have meant something to her. Besides, I’m still married. Society isn’t ready for people like us to live the lives we want to live. “Will we ever do this again?” I ask. “No” she sighs, before leaving me with my thoughts.

I sit in the water for a few minutes, trying to pass the time before I have to go home to Nidoking. I’m not ready to go back to the way things were before this night. “Hi” I hear a voice say. I look up to see Venonat, who is still a little beat up from our battle. “She got you too?” Venonat asks, no doubt referring to Kangaskhan. I nod my head, feeling foolish that I was only one of her many Poke conquests. Venonat extends her feelers and caresses my face gently. “Your experimenting doesn’t have to end with her.” Venonat says. I look up at her beady red eyes and touch her silky purple hair. Perhaps she’s right. The show isn’t over until the Chansey sings. I begin to massage her fur and she makes a weird noise that sounds a bit like a dial up modem. It’s slightly repulsive, but I can’t judge her for being a Bug type. And while I may not be incredibly attracted to her, I know my sexual journey has only just begun. I am going to reclaim my sexual identity and redeem myself. Today I’ll take Venonat, and perhaps tomorrow I’ll take on a team of Voltorb. Who knows what is in store for me? And then she stun spores me and we have the most gloriously bizarre lizard/gnat sex ever.

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