1.) Choosing an actual career path
LOL brb just deciding what I want to spend the next 40 years of my life doing.
2.) Resisting the urge to go out drinking every night
Spending time with your friends before they move away is more important than having a functioning liver.
3.) Applying to jobs
Hi, I just have a few questions: “where should I work?”,”how much should I be getting paid?”, “how do I find job postings?”, and “HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO FIND TIME TO APPLY FOR JOBS WITH ALL OF THIS OTHER BULLSHIT I’VE GOT GOING ON?”
4.) Writing cover letters
This job is the backup for my backup, okay!? So please don’t make me have to write a whole page of bullshit to try and convince you I would actually take this job if offered to me.
5.) Convincing yourself to care about academics
Let’s be real, as long as you have above a 3.0 no one gives a shit about your GPA.
6.) Having to answer questions about the future
“What are you gonna do after graduation?” I’m probably just going to go bleach my asshole.
7.) Figuring out where you want to live after graduation
Part of me wants to move across the country. The other part wants to move back into my childhood room and have my mom cook me mac & cheese every night.
8.) Figuring out who to live with after graduation
Do I live with my rowdy friend to keep the drunken antics alive, or do I live with someone who is actually a functioning member of society?
9.) Planning a spring break that won’t leave you a bankrupt grad.
So if I go to Punta Cana, I’ll have exactly -5.00 left in my bank account.
10.) Interacting with underclassmen
LOL class of 2019 GOODBYE!
11.) Finding references
Ugh I hate forcing people to commit perjury by lying about how great I am.
12.) Resisting the urge to cry
Just sobbing like a baby because the best years of my life are about to come to an end.
13.) Accomplishing everything on your college bucket list
TOO MANY THINGS 2 DO!
Fuck LinkedIn, fuck “Young Professionals Mixers.” I don’t know want to talk to other adults!
15.) Accepting that you will be paying off student loans for the rest of your life
How am I ever going to pay this shit off?!