1.) Create a voodoo doll of your crush or ex
Celebrate V-Day by jabbing a pin into the face of the boy who spurned your affections.
2.) Have a threesome
Just because you’re single AF doesn’t mean you can’t have fun with a couple!
3.) Write a list of all of the probable reasons why you’re single
Including (but not limited to): your bad skin, poor social skills, general lack of hygiene and like-ability.
4.) Litter the streets with aggressive valentines
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
Please suck my ass
I f*cking h8 u
5.) Perform open-heart surgery on a cadaver
If someone living won’t give you their heart just take one from a corpse!
6.) Make a Valentine’s Day milkshake
An entire cake
Two cartons of Ben & Jerry’s
1 Handle of Cake Batter vodka
1 Handle of Bailey’s
Instructions: blend all
Romance is dead, so give into the fleeting superficiality of fast food style dating!
8.) Drastically change something about your appearance
The key to getting someone to love you is changing yourself.
9.) Buy every Nicholas Sparks book you can find and BURN THEM!
Such smut shouldn’t exist.
10.) Go on a platonic date
Splitting Pad Thai with a friend is a lot less depressing than crying into a container alone.
11.) Drown yourself in a bathtub full of rosé
It’s like the perfect blend of The Bachelor and that Britney Spears’ video.
12.) Lower your standards
You want a guy who is funny, charming, and smart? How about you just settle for “breathing”?
13.) Say something casually sexist
Instead of blaming your single status on circumstances or your general lack of appeal blame it on the members of the gender who refuse to love you!
14.) Egg Katherine Heigl, Ginnifer Goodwin, or Gerard Butler
Rom com scum!
15.) “Netflix and Chill” with your hand
I can’t be the only one who vigorously masturbates to Making a Murderer, right?