1.) You are public enemy #1 of the sun
It doesn’t matter if you apply two layers of sunscreen and wear a long sleeve t-shirt outside. The sun WILL find you and it WILL kill you.
2.) You believe “more is more” when it comes to mayonnaise and ranch dressing
If my sandwich isn’t slathered with a questionable white substance, I’m not eating it.
3.) You give all of your pets human names like Alex, Lucy, Bailey, or Duncan
Why the fuck didn’t you name your yorkie Cupcake or Bubbles like a normal person?
4.) You have a ClassPass account or spend $300 a month on spin classes
The ultimate white privilege is paying to ride a stationary bike.
5.) You own or have considered owning a Toyota Prius
What better spot to enjoy your organic, cold brew coffee than in your energy-efficient, world-saving Prius?
6.) You shop at Goodwill ironically
“I’m not buying this hideous romper because it’s all I can afford. I’m buying this hideous romper because I’m attending a ‘hideous romper party’ in the Upper West Side tonight.”
7.) This is your response to people bringing up institutional racism:
“OMG slavery happened like 500 years ago, why are you taking out all this race stuff on meeeeeeeeeee!!!!?!!!!!!!!!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
8.) You order items off the secret menu at Starbucks
Newsflash, hoe: it’s NOT a secret menu if everyone knows about it and Starbucks doesn’t actually endorse it. Just get a grande coffee and get to stepping.
9.) You love binge-watching any of the following shows: Grey’s Anatomy, The Bachelor(ette), any TLC program, or Orange Is The New Black (for cultural reasons, of course)
I don’t need to know what’s going on in the UK as long as I know who Jojo gave a rose to last night.
10.) You “LOVE” ethnic food
Spoiler alert: Panda Express does not count as authentic Chinese cuisine.