1.) Form an “Earth, Wind & Fire” cover band and exclusively perform “September”
Let’s be real, this is a fantastic idea that someone should really be capitalizing on.
2.) Get boned on a haybale.
Find the needle in the haystack.
3.) Pick up a new hobby such as javelin tossing or invent a new awful pastry like the cronut.
The next pastry should be a hybrid of a Toaster Strudel and an entire carton of Ben & Jerry’s
4.) Burn down the nearest L.L. Bean.
Fuck them and their catalogues!!!!
5.) Invest in a Full Spectrum Light Box to ward off the bleakness of seasonal affective disorder.
It’s concerning when the only thing standing between you and crippling depression is a light bulb.
6.) Fuck a pumpkin.
It’s not weird or illegal as long as you carve the face of a consenting adult.
7.) Gain back all the weight you starved off during the summer.
Go ahead, do it. No one’s gonna know.
8.) Learn firsthand what it’s like to be a migrant worker by picking apples instead of going to the grocery store.
Apple picking is the New England equivalent of poverty tourism.
9.) Enjoy an elaborate Patriots-themed sex dream.
Who wouldn’t want to be Jimmy Garoppolo’d?
10.) Max out your credit card on sweaters you most definitely cannot afford.
Nothing tastes as good as cashmere feels.
11.) Throw a scalding hot PSL in the face of your enemy.
PSL’s are actually kind of pricey, so it’s really thoughtful of you to spend that type of money on your enemy.
12.) Make a bowl out of an apple to smoke your marijuana
Doesn’t that sound a-peel-ing?
13.) Spend a day antiquing or harassing old people at a senior citizen home.
My favorite antiques are the elderly.
14.) Murder a former lover in a corn maze.
Me: Come ear often?
Them: what?
Me: I’ve been stalking you.
Them: ….
Me: *kills them with a machete*
15.) Celebrate Baby Safety Month
Protect your baby from head injuries so they don’t end up like me.
16.) Enter a self-induced coma until and stay in that state until September 30th at 11:59 pm.
Clearly ran out of ideas here.
Is this why I'm still single? 