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1.) Form an “Earth, Wind & Fire” cover band and exclusively perform “September”

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Let’s be real, this is a fantastic idea that someone should really be capitalizing on.

2.) Get boned on a haybale.

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Find the needle in the haystack.

3.) Pick up a new hobby such as javelin tossing or invent a new awful pastry like the cronut.

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The next pastry should be a hybrid of a Toaster Strudel and an entire carton of Ben & Jerry’s

4.) Burn down the nearest L.L. Bean.

Fuck them and their catalogues!!!!

5.) Invest in a Full Spectrum Light Box to ward off the bleakness of seasonal affective disorder.

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It’s concerning when the only thing standing between you and crippling depression is a light bulb.

6.) Fuck a pumpkin.

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It’s not weird or illegal as long as you carve the face of a consenting adult.

7.) Gain back all the weight you starved off during the summer.

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Go ahead, do it. No one’s gonna know.

8.) Learn firsthand what it’s like to be a migrant worker by picking apples instead of going to the grocery store.

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Apple picking is the New England equivalent of poverty tourism.

9.) Enjoy an elaborate Patriots-themed sex dream.

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Who wouldn’t want to be  Jimmy Garoppolo’d?

10.) Max out your credit card on sweaters you most definitely cannot afford.

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Nothing tastes as good as cashmere feels.

11.) Throw a scalding hot PSL in the face of your enemy.

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PSL’s are actually kind of pricey, so it’s really thoughtful of you to spend that type of money on your enemy.

12.) Make a bowl out of an apple to smoke your marijuana

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Doesn’t that sound a-peel-ing?

13.) Spend a day antiquing or harassing old people at a senior citizen home.

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My favorite antiques are the elderly.

14.) Murder a former lover in a corn maze.

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Me: Come ear often?
Them: what?

Me: I’ve been stalking you.

Them: ….

Me: *kills them with a machete*

15.) Celebrate Baby Safety Month

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Protect your baby from head injuries so they don’t end up like me.

16.) Enter a self-induced coma until and stay in that state until September 30th at 11:59 pm.

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Clearly ran out of ideas here.