Snow White

Snow White is a princess with few redeemable qualities. For starters, her voice is insufferable. Girl needs to cut that vibrato shit out, her voice shakes more than your slutty roommate’s bed. She’s also very invasive and bossy. I mean she literally just walked into someone’s house and claimed it as her own, even though there were 7 men already living there. And then she had the audacity to tell the people living there that they needed to wash their hands before they could eat dinner. You know Snow White, just because you have the voice of a chipmunk doesn’t mean that it makes you sound like any less of a neo colonialist bitch. Newsflash Snow White, you’re a 14 year old girl, you don’t run shit. So stop bossing people around, throw out your cape, and go back to the 8th grade.


In Aurora’s defense, she’s only conscious for about seven minutes of the movie so it’s difficult to really judge her. With that being said, she’s kind of a vapid bitch. She completely disobeys her aunts and just like her friend, Snow White, she’s naive as fuck. But at least her movie has a really great villain. And if anything, Aurora is really pretty so at least she has that going for her.


I never really understood the appeal of Cinderella. I mean she’s decently pretty, but she spends her free time talking to mice, which I find concerning. She’s also the epitome of first world problems. Cinderella, there are children in Africa starving so stop whining about how you have to wash the dishes. Also, can we talk about her hair? Like I’m pretty sure the hairstyle she has for the ball is physically impossible to replicate. So thanks for the unrealistic hair expectations, Cindy.


On the surface Belle seems like the perfect Disney princess. She’s beautiful, literate and she understands the importance of being true to oneself. At the same time, she has Stockholm Syndrome and a bestiality fetish which make her a questionable role model. Belle thinks she’s better than everyone solely because she can read. But like reading isn’t even cool so you’re not impressing anyone.



Merida has a lot going against her. She’s not particularly beautiful, her Scottish accent is slightly unbearable and she’s obviously dealing with some sexuality issues that no one else besides Mulan can understand. However, Merida is kind of a brat and she never really takes responsibility for her actions. I mean she gets her mom turned into a bear after all. Sure she grows by the end of the movie and learns the importance of family, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s whiny and an eyesore.


Ariel tends to be most people’s favorite princess. She’s beautiful, imaginative and half fish which sets her apart from some of the earlier princesses. However, she is a complete IDIOT. I mean why would you exchange your beautiful voice and mermaid fins for PMS and a potentially gay prince? Ariel is never content with what she has and almost gets her father killed and kingdom enslaved just because she wants to find out why fires burn. Ariel, I’m a human being and I don’t understand why fires burn and I’m okay with that. Some things are better left unknown.


Just like Penny Proud, Jasmine is cute and loud and she’s got it going on. She’s drop dead gorgeous and she is willing to stand up for what she believes in. She’s also incredibly spoiled and is kind of rude to everyone around her. She doesn’t appreciate everything her father has done for her and I think she cares more about how to maintain her weave than she does about other human beings. And Kim Kardashian went as her for Halloween, so that’s another reason to hate her.


Some people think that Disney only included Tiana because they needed a black princess to show that they were no longer racist. Those people could be right. Regardless, I love Tiana. She’s sassy, hardworking and beautiful. Unfortunately, she’s also very stubborn and it doesn’t help that The Princess and the Frog is significantly blander than the other Disney Princess movies. It also doesn’t help that she spends 75% of the movie as a frog. At least she’s a chef in this movie- Disney originally wanted the character to be a chambermaid named Maddie. But they decided against that- because they realized that would be racist.


There are a lot of reasons to like Rapunzel. She’s spunky, adventurous and embodies a lot of qualities that teenage girls can relate to. My main issue with Rapunzel is her design. She’s just so annoying to look at. Her eyes are way too big for her face, she has an overbite and it’s just a little too much to process. She also doesn’t have any memorable songs to sing in the movie, which makes her a little bit boring.  But she is voiced by Mandy Moore and Mandy is flawless.



I don’t know why Mulan is included with the Disney Princesses. She’s not a princess-plain and simple. Maybe Disney includes her because she’s a feminist. Maybe Disney includes her because she’s Asian. Either way she doesn’t belong. I mean congrats Mulan you know how to use a rocket launcher and you’re gender ambiguous. What do you want, an award? If you’re included with the Disney princesses then so should Meg from Hercules and Esmerelda from Hunchback of Notre Dame.


I can’t say anything bad about Pocahontas. She knows how to paint with the colors of the wind which makes her better than all of the other basic bitches. And her hair is a piece of art- I don’t know where she bought that weave but girl needs to let me know ASAP.