1.) You regularly put on dance recitals or theatrical revues and forced your family to sit through them.
Fun fact: One time when I was six I made my siblings star in a production of the Wizard of Oz that we showed our parents. I played basically every character but Dorothy- but I didn’t think my older sister had the showmanship to perform “Somewhere Over the Rainbow” so I did that too. And to top it all off- I pushed my toddler aged sister to the ground when she tried to get all up in my shit during the Munchkin song.
2. You used to write Kelly Clarkson style ballads and perform them in front of a mirror whenever you were home alone.
I practically wrote “Behind These Hazel Eyes.” Kelly Clarkson must have Big Fat Liar’ed me.
3. This was your response whenever your parents signed you up for sports teams.
Basketball, mom? REALLY?! I was two feet tall. Why couldn’t you have signed me up for something more practical, like cooking classes or looming?
4. And this is how you played sports:
Throwback to the time my baseball coach told me to lean into the pitches so that I’d get hit by the ball and be able to take a walk. Also throwback to the times I’d be put in the outfield and try to catch butterflies instead of the ball.
5. You always played as Princess Peach….ALWAYS.
Princess Peach is #flawless. She can bake, she is filthy rich, and she knows how to accessorize. Best of all- she can convince short Italian men to risk their lives for her without even having to put out in the end. Life goals.
6. You’d always beg your mom to ask for the girl’s toy whenever you ate at McDonald’s or Burger King.
Why the fuck would I get a Nascar toy when I could get a Barbie? Also fun fact- I owned every single one of those above Barbies.
7. You enjoyed playing “House” and pretend baking than you did any sports video games or boy activities.
Listen bitch, this is MY HOUSE. I decide what we are having for dinner and we’re having Playdoh casserole for dinner AGAIN and you’re just going to have to accept that or I will put you on the streets.
8. You were most likely bullied by other kids because you were creative, misunderstood, and on a plane of thinking their feeble minds couldn’t comprehend.
Just because I like playing girl’s games and turning every school project into an elaborate musical number doesn’t make me weird or stupid. It makes me the future of ART, fucker.
9. You had posters of Natalie Portman, Hilary Duff, or some other beautiful woman of the early ‘200s. Not because you wanted to sleep with them but because you thought they were flawless and secretly wanted to be them.
I had several posters of Natalie Portman from Star Wars because I wanted to be her so bad it was ridiculous. I still want to be Natalie. Even after watching her fake masturbate and die in Black Swan…or act along Kat Dennings in Thor.
10. You liked boys.
Homosexuality isn’t just an on and off switch. I’ve always liked boys but when I was younger I didn’t understand my feelings and just thought it was a phase all kids went through. But it wasn’t and I’m still gay. SORRY BOUT IT!