1.) Only running into the same three Pokémon every day.
I live in a metropolitan area not a cave, so you better keep those f*cking blue-winged, blind assholes off my GPS or I’m going to go ham.
2.) Having to throw Pokeballs without looking like an idiot to the general public.
I’m standing in the middle of sidewalk right now swiping my fingers around like a madman trying to catch a Pidgey and I’m DEFINITELY being judged hardcore for it.
3.) Getting hit by an automobile.
In retrospect, should I have walked into traffic just to catch an Eevee? Probably not.
4.) Getting mugged.
Pokémon Go is the new “candy in a van” for molesters and thieves.
5.) Listening to non-Pokemon fans talk about how much they love Pokemon.
Girl, don’t act like you love Pokémon if you can’t even name the first 150 smh.
6.) Killing your battery after 10 minutes of play.
And I thought Snapchat was bad for my battery.
7.) Stumbling upon a corpse while looking for a Raticate.
*Waits for “Law & Order”episode where intro is young girl discovering a dead body while playing a knock-off Pokémon game*
8.) Only battling at gyms.
I don’t want to battle some 42 year old man and his level 900 Jolteon. I want to kick the shit out of Youngster Joey and his five Caterpie.
9.) Not being able to minimize the app while walking.
Hey Nintendo fuckers, do you think you could just send me push notifications when I run into a wild Pokémon so I don’t have to be holding onto my phone all day looking like some kind of lost tourist?
10.) Having to go to new areas to actually run into Pokémon.
What do you mean I have to go to the f*king desert to find a Magmar? Bring that booby-headed lizard fuck to me NOW.
11.) Having to actually walk to play.
Why am I not able to play from the comfort of my own couch? Why you gotta make me exercise? Did that fascist Michelle Obama put you up to this?
12.) Someone else getting to a Pokémon before you.
You steal my Growlithe- I kill your entire family and feed them to you in a chili.